the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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