If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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