Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Randomize
