Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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