does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize