Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
