My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
