Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
