nut hugger
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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