Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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