i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
