well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
