you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She's the barista slut.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
