Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
