I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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