He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
