Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Oh god it's open bar.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
