My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
