You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
