Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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