I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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