he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize