Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize