Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
