So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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