Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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