So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
