The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
