Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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