i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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