Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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