I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
