dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
