talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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