my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
