I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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