mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
