I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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