I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
