You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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