you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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