haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
