I'm gonna have a badass scar
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
