Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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