Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
