If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
