If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
