you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
