If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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