At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
