I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
