I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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