I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I understand Curling. That high.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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