if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
