im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
