I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
